I'm still here, but the end is officially in sight

Hello world.

Yes, I am still here. As in, still alive, still able to write, and still capable of posting on this blog.

And I’m also still here. As in, still a PhD student, still writing, and still attempting to finish this darn degree.

It’s been six months since I last published anything on this site, and remarkably little has changed during that time. My life seems to consist of a blurry mix of job applications, dissertation revisions, and lots and lots of emails. This semester, I’ve added teaching to the rotation of “stuff Steffi does,” and that has been a nice change. But for the most part, my days feel like a giant grad-student helping of “same old, same old.”

In the midst of the monotony, there has been one major development: I am now on the cusp of graduating. The end is officially in sight. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train. Yay!

I’m realizing, though, that while this is incredibly exciting, and oh my gosh, I can’t wait to be done with this silly PhD, this season of waiting, of “still being here” isn’t over yet–and it may not be for some time. The job market in history is abysmal at best, and although I’ve been fortunate to have a couple interviews, I haven’t gotten any offers. Something may come up in the next week or months, but there are definitely no guarantees and I’m not getting my hopes up. I can’t definitively say what will happen next or what actually lies beyond this degree. All I know for sure is that, on May 12th, I’ll walk across a stage, be handed a fancy piece of paper, and get to wear a blue velvet, Harry Potter-esque hood.

I guess then it makes sense that I’ve been thinking a lot these days about waiting. The in-between spaces and the times of uncertainty are not fun, especially for those of us who like to plan, who like to know, and who like to have things figured out. I want answers, direction, and guidance, and I want it right now. But that isn’t happening. I still don’t know with any degree of clarity what is coming next, and that likely won’t change anytime soon. So I’m left with this question. How can I occupy this liminal place, and occupy it well?

Last night, as I was feeling frustrated yet again with all the waiting, I found a brief moment of clarity: there is something fundamentally sacred about seasons of waiting, because it’s in these places of uncertainty that God is waiting to meet with us. When everything around us seems blurry and confounding, He desires to make Himself most clear. It’s in these spaces that we can experience Him most fully. Yet the extent to which we encounter him here depends on us. Will we lean into the ambiguity, even when everything inside us just wants to rush through it?

Well, I’ve met my quota of non-academic thoughts for today. Now it’s back to the dissertation. If you need me, I’ll be at my desk, still here.

Stefanie Woodard (@steffikrull) is a PhD Candidate and Dean's Teaching Fellow at Emory University in Atlanta. This story was published on February 12, 2019, on Stefanie’s blog, In Plain Sight (available here), and has been published here with her permission.