{"id":2271,"date":"2019-01-31T03:49:45","date_gmt":"2019-01-31T03:49:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/trying-to-separate-the-two-faces-of-my-phd\/"},"modified":"2025-01-15T06:37:09","modified_gmt":"2025-01-15T06:37:09","slug":"trying-to-separate-the-two-faces-of-my-phd","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/trying-to-separate-the-two-faces-of-my-phd","title":{"rendered":"Trying to separate the two faces of my PhD"},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s worth prefacing this post by noting that I am on Day 26 of continuous writing, no respite. That, and in my \u2018spare time,\u2019 I\u2019m undertaking another research job and grappling with a different university\u2019s ethics process. Can I just say UTS was a DREAM compared to this one!<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Last month I committed to having a first draft complete before I went on a short weekend break to Sydney, to see all my friends I haven\u2019t seen since our move a year ago. A YEAR! This week the whole trip fell to pieces because of poor planning and bad schedules (Note: Don\u2019t let someone in their final stages of a PhD try and organise 15 people to do anything).<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Add to this that I decided to give up sugar, carbs and all good naughty things and to exercise 5 times a week.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

WHAT WAS I THINKING?<\/b><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

For the last week I have been a complete basket case. I completely related to this post<\/a> on The Thesis Whisperer<\/i> as I a) love Never-ending Story<\/i> and b) had taken up residence in the swamp for the foreseeable future. To say I am not fun to be around is the understatement of 2016. And the sadness and anxiety that I feel over my PhD has coloured every corner of my life.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Then, I got a dose of perspective.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Firstly, my best friend, who knew of my general pain through social media\/text message\/general BFF psychic-link, sent me a bunch of flowers. There\u2019s nothing like a bunch of flowers to make you feel better.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Then I spoke to another friend last night who is doing her Honours in Psychology. I spoke about how badly it is all going.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut you check in with someone right?\u201d she said.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd they\u2019re happy with what you\u2019re doing?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I guess.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThen what\u2019s your problem?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And I thought about that a bit. Every milestone I\u2019ve had to meet for this PhD, I have. And the feedback has generally been constructive and positive. Sure the last milestone was 6 months ago, but still. The only thing I haven\u2019t achieved that I want (desperately) is to have something published. And maybe that won\u2019t happen. Or maybe it won\u2019t happen until after I submit the PhD. But in the scheme of things it\u2019s tolerable.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Today I had call with my supervisor.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s it going?\u201d she asks.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTerrible,\u201d I reply.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And we proceed to talk about how my theoretical and conceptual framework is pretty much where it needs to be and how the ideas have come together in my (very badly written, but progressing) discussion chapter.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

She didn\u2019t, but could have added: \u201cThen what\u2019s your problem?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My problem is that I can\u2019t see the wood from the trees. I\u2019ve spent 26 days sitting at this desk thinking I\u2019ve wasted 4 years of my life.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I have to separate the two faces of the PhD \u2013 the emotional and the intellectual.<\/b> The intellectual knows I have 68,000 words and a few (maybe more than a few) chapters that are 90% done. The intellectual knows that I just have to keep chipping away and in 2-3 weeks I\u2019ll have a rough first draft.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The emotional thinks I\u2019m never going to be accepted as a PhD. That the writing is rubbish and I\u2019m sick of being cold (bloody Melbourne) and I can\u2019t remember when I last laughed until I cried. I\u2019ve just cried.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

This is the reality I exist within at the moment. There\u2019s no use pretending otherwise. And I\u2019d like to say I can reconcile the two faces, but in the short term I can\u2019t. I just have to keep working. And maybe eat the occasional piece of chocolate.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Dr. Kim Goodwin has a PhD from the University of Technology, Sydney. This story was published on October 14, 2016, on Dr. Goodwin’s blog, PhD 2017<\/a> (available here<\/a>) and has been republished here with her permission.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s worth prefacing this post by noting that I am on Day 26 of continuous writing, no respite. That, and in my \u2018spare time,\u2019 I\u2019m undertaking another research job and grappling with a different university\u2019s ethics process. Can I just say UTS was a DREAM compared to this one! Last month I committed to having […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1098,"featured_media":33313,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2414],"tags":[2666,2454],"new_categories":[],"new_tags":[],"series":[],"class_list":["post-2271","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiring-researcher-stories","tag-phd-life","tag-researcher-stories"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nTrying to separate the two faces of my PhD<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Dr. Kim Goodwin has a PhD from the University of Technology, Sydney. 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