{"id":2452,"date":"2019-04-29T18:24:16","date_gmt":"2019-04-29T18:24:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/on-transitions-everything-at-once\/"},"modified":"2025-02-21T11:13:41","modified_gmt":"2025-02-21T11:13:41","slug":"on-transitions-everything-at-once","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/on-transitions-everything-at-once","title":{"rendered":"On transitions: Everything at once"},"content":{"rendered":"

In writing, transitions have always been the most difficult for me to master. Ok maybe not even master, but just be competent at. It\u2019s like I can\u2019t ease into the next paragraph; I just want to jump right in to the next thing. Maybe it\u2019s easier to drop the former subject and grab onto the new one instead of connecting them in a continual thread. I\u2019m like that at social events too \u2013 no transition from me being at a party to me leaving. One moment I\u2019m there, the next I\u2019m gone. If I happen to see you on my way out I might say \u201cbye\u201d, but I don\u2019t like that uncomfortableness of preparing to leave. I don\u2019t like the pleas to stay just a little longer, the false promises of making plans soon, the social awkwardness of a long Midwestern goodbye.\u00a0Transitions make me sad \u2013 I\u2019m looking at the present turn into the past. I\u2019m preparing to face an unknown future that is rapidly approaching. Transitions are purgatory on earth \u2013 stuck between two states, atoning for my past sins in order to reach a brighter future.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

As someone who has dealt with long-term depression and, more recently, anxiety too, transitions can take a toll on my mental health. Even positive transitions, like finally finishing my PhD program, can trigger a depressive state. Transitions make me tired. I feel like I\u2019ve done nothing, but the emotional weight of it all seeps into my bones and adds lead to my eyelids, and obscures my thoughts in a layer of fog. I could sleep for days. I daydream about the next time I can lay in bed and not think or deal or be responsible.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Recently, I\u2019ve joked that I\u2019m not only starting a new chapter in life, but basically a new book. I defended my PhD on June 25th, got interviewed, and was offered a post-doc position shortly after; took a vacation to Puerto Rico immediately before starting my new position on September 4th; ended a 6-year relationship; started living alone; and turned 30. It hasn\u2019t even been 3 months since my PhD defense and all of this happened. A mix of positive and negative transitions, each one uniquely stressful.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Starting a new job while going through a major breakup and having to deal with occupancy changes, the loss of one house member, and the search for new ones is not ideal. I can\u2019t say, \u201cHey can we postpone my start date so I can spend a few days crying and eating pizza and figuring out my personal life before I embark on a journey to write grants and do research on an almost entirely new subject?\u201d Likewise, I can\u2019t pretend my personal relationships are great until I get settled in to my new position. Nothing is stable right now and yet I am pretending so hard that I can do all of this. I cry alone. I don\u2019t like to tell people I\u2019m struggling because then it\u2019s more emotional work for me to explain everything all over again and subsequently comfort them to let them know I\u2019ll be ok and to not worry.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Oh and when I thought I was at my limit of what I could handle, overwhelmed but still under control, a bunch of family drama hit \u2013 on both my maternal and paternal sides. I feel like I\u2019m the family voice of reason, so once again, I put my emotional needs on hold to advise on one life coming to an end, a few more lives in sudden upheaval, and normal teen hormone drama. More transitions. Why can\u2019t anything be stable? Just for a minute? A week? Why can\u2019t I rest?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My dad used to tell me that he respected my sense of balance between work and personal life. I really think I\u2019m just on a see-saw and he catches a glimpse of me when I\u2019m at the brief equilibrium between up and down.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I have learned some mental health coping skills, though, and I feel like I am handling whatever my life is right now better than I would have in the past. I say \u201cno\u201d and cancel plans when I need alone time to rest. I make plans and have fun and socialize when I feel like I can\u2019t be left alone with my thoughts. I try to be more vulnerable about my feelings. Try. It\u2019s not easy because I\u2019ve built up such a thick wall of ice around my emotions, but I guess we did just have the hottest summer on record. Again.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And I feel whiny writing this. As cathartic as it is, I feel too self-indulgent. How are my problems of getting a PhD and starting a new job and getting to stay in the house I love with my cats anything to complain about? Other people have ACTUAL problems and I feel that I deserve rest and relief! That\u2019s the thing though \u2013 I\u2019m trying to learn to take care of my emotional state and what I know I can personally handle, but also be aware of the struggles of others. It\u2019s ok to not be ok, but you have to remember that truth applies to others as well. In some ways I think I like being the confidant because I like knowing that even when I feel helpless and alone and scared and I just want to disappear into my bed, I\u2019m alleviating those feelings for someone else. And when people trust me, it helps me realize that I can trust them back and I can ask for help when I need it.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I wanted to write this to sort through my own feelings as well as provide some comfort to others going through similar situations. If you read this entire blog and liked it even just a little bit, you can thank me by doing something nice for someone. We\u2019re all struggling on some level and we all wear masks. So just be nice, and do kind things. Unless the person is an alt-right Nazi or similar, then punch them.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Dr. Anna Boegehold\u00a0(@anna_boeg<\/b><\/a>) is a Postdoctoral Fellow at the Institute of Environmental Health Sciences. This story was published on September\u00a020,\u00a02018, on Dr. Boegehold’s\u00a0blog\u00a0<\/a>(available\u00a0here<\/a>), and has been republished here with her permission.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In writing, transitions have always been the most difficult for me to master. Ok maybe not even master, but just be competent at. It\u2019s like I can\u2019t ease into the next paragraph; I just want to jump right in to the next thing. 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