{"id":2545,"date":"2019-05-08T12:50:17","date_gmt":"2019-05-08T12:50:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/why-i-stopped-faking-it\/"},"modified":"2025-01-15T06:35:20","modified_gmt":"2025-01-15T06:35:20","slug":"why-i-stopped-faking-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/why-i-stopped-faking-it","title":{"rendered":"Why I stopped faking it!"},"content":{"rendered":"<p style=\"margin:0cm 0cm 10pt\"><span style=\"font-size:11pt\"><span style=\"tab-stops:5.0cm\"><span style=\"line-height:115%\"><span style=\"font-family:Calibri,sans-serif\">When I was in grad school, I felt like I wasn\u2019t good enough and\u00a0at the same time that I deserved to have it all \u2013 perfect grades, grants, awards, fantastic publications, a great social life, and a happy family. My way of trying to achieve this was by acting tough, and it actually kind of worked.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"margin:0cm 0cm 10pt\"><span style=\"font-size:11pt\"><span style=\"line-height:115%\"><span style=\"font-family:Calibri,sans-serif\">Early on, my PI told me that if I needed something from him I should keep \u201cnagging\u201d him (his words) if I wanted it done. He was right; he was a very busy man and I learned to do what I needed to do to get things done, and I had a successful and happy grad career. At the intro to my defense, he proudly told a story about the lengths to which I went to make sure that he signed paperwork in time for submission (I followed him to the restroom and waited outside until he came out). But acting all the time took its toll. By the time I was looking for a postdoc position I was burnt out (I know, almost everyone is burnt out by the time they defend), and <b>I was so tired of trying to \u201cfake it \u2019til I make it.\u201d<\/b><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"margin:0cm 0cm 10pt\"><span style=\"font-size:11pt\"><span style=\"line-height:115%\"><span style=\"font-family:Calibri,sans-serif\">The way this feeling manifested for me was in my choice not to pursue invitations to interview at top tier labs, and instead to join a good, but not a stretch, lab at a good, but comfortable university. I just wanted to go somewhere where I could do good work, be a good lab-mate and collaborator and be supported in turn, and I thought I had found just the place. It nearly broke my heart when I learned that my new PI had hired another postdoc at the same time as me and had given her the same project as me. I still don\u2019t know if this was the result of a brain-fart or if it was a may-the-best-researcher-win type thing, but it sucked! She was a very nice person and once we realized what was going on, we were totally open with each other about what we wanted to do with the funding and the project, and we made the best of the situation\u2026 but it broke me down. I stopped pretending I was strong and acting tough. I let the fact that I was sad about the situation show and completely shifted my research topic (for multiple reasons) \u2013 we were already competing with the rest of the research community, I didn\u2019t want to have to compete with my lab-mates.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"margin:0cm 0cm 10pt\"><span style=\"font-size:11pt\"><span style=\"line-height:115%\"><span style=\"font-family:Calibri,sans-serif\">When my husband and I got the opportunities to move to California, I was thrilled. It was a chance to move on! I\u2019d decided that I wanted to leave academia and see if biotech was a better fit, but I\u2019ve still not put back on that mantel of toughness. I\u2019m a lot truer to myself and my feelings now; I\u2019m not sure if that is a good thing or not. It means that my insecurities are more pronounced; I\u2019m suddenly a lot more visibly nervous giving talks. I also push myself less, I\u2019m less focused and for better or worse I\u2019m not trying as hard to have everything\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/portraitofthescientist.wordpress.com\/2014\/12\/10\/where-i-want-to-be-right-now-jayz-vs-martina-mcbride\/\" style=\"color:blue; text-decoration:underline\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">right now<\/a>. I feel like I lost my edge when I gave up pretending that I was perfect and stopped grabbing for \u201call the things.\u201d On the other hand, I\u2019m happier and less tired all the time. I get to prioritize my personal life along with my career. And now that I\u2019m less concerned about credit and what I deserve, I think I\u2019m a better collaborator and team-mate. Things that used to drive me crazy, like when people would co-opt my ideas without credit, don\u2019t affect me the same way. When I realized this change I initially felt terrible; giving up my (righteous?) entitlement seemed so sad, but most of the time now, I don\u2019t see it that way. I think there is a healthy line that I\u2019m still learning to walk, between wanting everything and accepting anything. I hope as I become more honestly confident that I\u2019ll find my middle ground.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><i>This story was published on February 22, 2016, on the blog, &#8216;<\/i><a href=\"https:\/\/portraitofthescientist.wordpress.com\/\" style=\"color:blue; text-decoration:underline\"><i>A Portrait of the Scientist as a Young Woman<\/i><\/a><i>&#8216; (available\u00a0<\/i><a href=\"https:\/\/portraitofthescientist.wordpress.com\/2016\/02\/22\/why-i-stopped-faking-it\/\" style=\"color:blue; text-decoration:underline\"><i>here<\/i><\/a><i>)\u00a0and has been republished here with permission.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When I was in grad school, I felt like I wasn\u2019t good enough and\u00a0at the same time that I deserved to have it all \u2013 perfect grades, grants, awards, fantastic publications, a great social life, and a happy family. My way of trying to achieve this was by acting tough, and it actually kind of [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":955,"featured_media":33313,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2414],"tags":[2668,2454],"new_categories":[],"new_tags":[],"series":[],"class_list":["post-2545","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiring-researcher-stories","tag-motivational-stories","tag-researcher-stories"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why I stopped faking it!<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In this story, the author talks about how she got tired of acting tough, or &#039;faking it until she made it&#039; and how she dealt with this burn out.\" \/>\n<meta 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