{"id":2614,"date":"2019-05-16T11:57:51","date_gmt":"2019-05-16T11:57:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/i-feel-like-i-wasted-my-first-year-of-graduate-school\/"},"modified":"2025-01-15T06:35:17","modified_gmt":"2025-01-15T06:35:17","slug":"i-feel-like-i-wasted-my-first-year-of-graduate-school","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/i-feel-like-i-wasted-my-first-year-of-graduate-school","title":{"rendered":"I feel like I wasted my first year of graduate school"},"content":{"rendered":"

I know I\u00a0have already mentioned in previous posts that I packed up my life and moved to Iowa to pursue my Master\u2019s; however, last year at this time you would not have been able to tell me that this is the way that my life would have played out.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

In discussing graduate-level education, the buzz phrase “gap year” is often thrown around, and it refers to the year one may take off in between their undergraduate degree and their Master\u2019s\/PhD. Sometimes that gap year is intentional, and other times it is by accident. But in the end, it all works out for the better.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But what happens when your “gap year” happens while you are enrolled in graduate school?\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Let me explain.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

This time last year, I had begun my graduate school career in the College of Public Health to pursue my MPH; however, now I am in the College of Education pursuing my Master of Arts in Schools, Culture, & Society. These things are completely different, and I often hear people say, “Wow, that’s a leap!”<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The first week of classes has passed in my new department home and I love the classes and the content, and I actually understand it. The concepts and topics line up better with my research interest. There is one problem: I feel like I wasted my first year of graduate school and imposter syndrome has set in.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I do not think that I have imposter syndrome in the sense that I do not belong (even though sometimes I feel that is the case). I have imposter syndrome because I feel like I wasted a year of my graduate school career. Even though many of my classmates are older and we all have different paths that we have walked to get where we are now, I feel like mine makes the least amount of sense. I personally feel that it discredits my existence in the classroom.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Now before you start lecturing me on “knowing your worth,” understand that sh*t like this happens all the time in academia, and being a black female in academia, often times I feel out of place. I am out of place because these spaces were made for white people \u2013 but that’s neither here nor there. I never said that this blog would be about how I had it all together, but what I did say was that this blog would be about my journey.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

With that being said, my journey right now has landed me here.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I know that leaving the college of public health was the best decision I could have made, especially for my mental health. And even with the affirmation I have received in this new department, I somehow am still reconciling that sometimes “home” is not where you started, but where you finish and even where you make it.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I feel as though I do not belong because I didn’t pick this program first! I feel as though they will find out that originally I was trying to date the superstar but instead I have pursued the humble dude. Someone said it best: “No one wants to be the second date to the prom.” That is very true, no one wants to be the second choice. But I guess my real problem is: What if the second choice is the best choice?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Every day as I prepare to go to campus for classes this semester, I turn to my boyfriend and tell him how I feel unprepared and out of place. I feel nervous because I am afraid.\u00a0I will struggle like I did in my first year of graduate school. Even though I know that my new home is a place of no judgment, I cannot dispel the judgment I have placed on myself.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I feel like I took a gap year, even though I really technically did not because I was taking classes (some of which I enjoyed), the first full year, and I feel like the insecurity is written all over my face. Even though I have completed all (read as majority) of the readings for each class and have taken extensive notes.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I really wish this post had some silver lining theme and I could tell you the lessons that I have learned from it all, but right now I cannot. Maybe I will be able to tell you something positive in a couple of weeks or at the end of the semester. But right now, I just needed to write about this process. Write about how even when you have a sense of belonging and comfort, you can still have a sense of being an imposter in your own home.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I know that I should treat this imposter syndrome as something that is coming into my home and stealing my sh*t instead of welcoming it with open arms.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

*breathes a sigh of relief*\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I feel a little better now that I got that off my chest. Maybe I will be able to focus on this whole book I have to finish before 5 pm.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Joy Woods (@smileitsjoy<\/a><\/u>) is a PhD candidate at Moody College of Communication, University of Texas. This story was published on August 29, 2017, on Joy\u2019s blog, withoutaspace<\/a> (available here<\/a>), and has been republished her with her permission.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I know I\u00a0have already mentioned in previous posts that I packed up my life and moved to Iowa to pursue my Master\u2019s; however, last year at this time you would not have been able to tell me that this is the way that my life would have played out.\u00a0 In discussing graduate-level education, the buzz […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":955,"featured_media":33313,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2414],"tags":[2672,2454],"new_categories":[],"new_tags":[],"series":[],"class_list":["post-2614","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiring-researcher-stories","tag-impostor-syndrome","tag-researcher-stories"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nI feel like I wasted my first year of graduate school<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Joy Woods is a PhD candidate at Moody College of Communication, University of Texas. 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