{"id":2670,"date":"2019-05-21T11:30:12","date_gmt":"2019-05-21T11:30:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/why-being-vulnerable-with-your-advisors-is-the-right-thing-to-do\/"},"modified":"2025-01-15T06:35:13","modified_gmt":"2025-01-15T06:35:13","slug":"why-being-vulnerable-with-your-advisors-is-the-right-thing-to-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/why-being-vulnerable-with-your-advisors-is-the-right-thing-to-do","title":{"rendered":"Why being vulnerable with your advisors is the right thing to do"},"content":{"rendered":"

I am struggling. And, until a few days ago, the fact that I was struggling \u2013 especially that I was\u00a0visibly<\/i>\u00a0struggling \u2013 was making me struggle that much more. It was a vicious cycle that I found myself in, until I finally broke.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe thing about a spiral is, if you follow inward, it never actually ends. It just keeps tightening, infinitely.\u201d \u2013 John Green, Turtles All the Way Down<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I decided to entirely restructure my thesis three days before my draft was due. Right move, wrong timing. I realized the day before that it would be physically impossible for me to get a draft that I was proud of by the deadline, so I emailed my advisors asking for an extension. Just an extra four days. I heard back from two of them that that was fine, and assumed the others would be fine as well.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The universe had other plans. Waking up the next day, I was sick with the flu,\u00a0and<\/i>\u00a0my partner\u2019s family was in town for the first and only time during our grad school experience. I tried to manage my declining health, work on my thesis, and entertain a group of people that I desperately wanted to impress. Spoiler alert: it did not go well. I got sicker, my thesis did not get better (I would argue that by rushing to get it done, I sacrificed the quality of my work, so it actually got worse for a short period), and it became obvious to everyone that I was very ill. I had to take a day and sleep it off.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Two days before my next deadline, I had still not made substantial progress on my thesis. I began to panic.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Why can\u2019t you just write it down? You\u2019ve been working on this for a year. Just make the damn argument.<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But I physically couldn\u2019t. Stress had colored my brain, until all I could think about was the fact that I was late and not making any progress.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

You\u2019re going to miss another deadline. You won\u2019t get good recommendation letters. Your thesis is sh*t. You won\u2019t get into PhD programs. Drop out now and join the circus.<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The day before my self-imposed deadline comes along, and I\u2019m in no better shape than I was when the original deadline passed. I decide that I have to go to class, even though I am only auditing and have not read the material, because I\u2019d already missed class once that week and wanted to impress the professor. I do not hear a word of the lecture, do not participate in the group discussion. All I can think about are the seconds going by, seconds that I am not using to write.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I feel a panic attack coming on. Leave to go to the bathroom. Text my partner, \u201cI am not doing well,\u201d after a week of pretending everything is going fine. After all, he was able to make the first deadline. I email my advisor. Here are my exact words:<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWould you by chance have time to meet today? I wouldn\u2019t say it\u2019s an emergency, but I would really appreciate it.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My partner responds. He\u2019s been stressed too, and feeling unconfident in his work. We make a plan to help each other later in the evening.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My advisor responds: \u201cCome to my office at 3.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I breathe. Manage to regain control of the panic attack (thanks to years of counselling; I\u2019m not a magician). Return to class where I am still unable to pay attention.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I walk over to my advisor\u2019s office. I am twenty minutes early, but his door is open. He invites me in and I close the door.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Immediately, I begin bawling. I tell him what has been going on, how I have been spiralling, and how it\u2019s gotten so bad that I\u2019ve been questioning my ability as a philosopher.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I realize that it wasn\u2019t the thesis, or even the deadline that was causing such an impenetrable mental block. It was that I was so worried about the fact that I was late, that my thesis wasn\u2019t up to my standards, and I was worried that someone else would realize that I\u2019m struggling. In my mind, I had connected the fact that I was struggling with the belief that I wasn\u2019t good enough or cut out for academia. Saying it out loud made me realize how wrong that sounded.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I am very lucky to have sympathetic advisors. The story may have gone differently, if I didn\u2019t. But my advisor calmed me down, explained that others were also in my situation, and that the fact that I was late and that my draft was a work in progress, did not disappoint him. He assured me that he had seen me do good work, or else I would not be doing as well in the program, and that I have impressed the entire department with both my philosophical talent and commitment to the program. He told me to send him what I have, and would help me improve it.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I leave his office feeling better. I email my other advisors, explaining that I have been struggling and that this draft is not a reflection of my best work. I feel like I\u2019ve accomplished something.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Following the meeting, I still have missed a deadline. I still do not have a completed draft that I am proud of.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But I no longer feel like the fact that I am struggling is a reflection of my academic ability, or an indication that I lack the tenacity needed to survive in academia.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I am still struggling, but I am no longer spiralling.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSpirals grow infinitely smaller the farther you follow them inward, but they also grow infinitely larger the farther you follow them out.\u201d \u2013 John Green, Turtles All the Way Down<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

PhDoing Life is a Philosophy graduate student. This story was published on September 9, 2018, on the blog, <\/i>PhDoing Life<\/i><\/a> (available<\/i> here<\/i><\/a>), and has been republished here with permission.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am struggling. And, until a few days ago, the fact that I was struggling \u2013 especially that I was\u00a0visibly\u00a0struggling \u2013 was making me struggle that much more. It was a vicious cycle that I found myself in, until I finally broke. \u201cThe thing about a spiral is, if you follow inward, it never actually […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1470,"featured_media":33313,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2414],"tags":[2666,2454],"new_categories":[],"new_tags":[],"series":[],"class_list":["post-2670","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiring-researcher-stories","tag-phd-life","tag-researcher-stories"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nWhy being vulnerable with your advisors is the right thing to do<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I am struggling. 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