{"id":2675,"date":"2019-05-21T11:09:09","date_gmt":"2019-05-21T11:09:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/the-ruse-is-up-dealing-with-impostor-syndrome\/"},"modified":"2025-04-05T13:10:58","modified_gmt":"2025-04-05T13:10:58","slug":"the-ruse-is-up-dealing-with-impostor-syndrome","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/the-ruse-is-up-dealing-with-impostor-syndrome","title":{"rendered":"The ruse is up: Dealing with impostor syndrome"},"content":{"rendered":"

I feel stuck and I don\u2019t know why.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Everything is telling me that I should be having the time of my life.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to my dream grad school. I\u2019m working in a discipline that I love.\u00a0I\u2019ve successfully survived my first year<\/a>. And terms such as \u201cintelligent,\u201d \u201csmart,\u201d and \u201csuccessful\u201d have been used to describe me\u2013to describe my life. I mean,\u00a0I suppose\u00a0if I were to look at my CV I could\u00a0maybe<\/i>\u00a0shrug in agreement\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But I don\u2019t feel it.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t see it.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And here I am\u2026 stuck. Anxious.\u00a0In a rut. And scared that my life has been a horrible mistake. That I don\u2019t really belong here. That I\u2019m an impostor.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Impostor syndrome is common, and affects people of all types, and in all occupations. It\u00a0manifests itself as feelings of inadequacy. It appears as thoughts that repeatedly tell you that the\u00a0successes you\u2019ve accumulated in your life were\u00a0undeserved. And, probably the worst symptom \u2013 it presents itself\u00a0as the fear that one day, someone is going to realize that maybe you\u2019re not as smart and competent as you\u2019ve led them to believe, and you will be seen as\u00a0a\u00a0fraud. As a liar. The ruse will be up.\u00a0And then what?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Have you experienced this? Are some of you nodding your head as your read these words, wondering how I know? I wouldn\u2019t be surprised if quite a few of you said yes. At least not anymore. After posting about\u00a0anxiety in (grad) school<\/a>\u00a0during my first year of blogging, I learned very quickly that mental health in academia is a huge, stigmatized mess. Mental health in any context is still such a taboo topic that it\u2019s almost pathetic. Because that means that thousands of us end up hiding these very common problems. We isolate ourselves and put on a happy face and unhealthily pretend that nothing is wrong, despite the fact that so many of our peers are going through the exact same\u00a0thing.\u00a0Don\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell<\/a>\u2026 right?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m going through this right now. A bout of impostor syndrome mixed with my all too-prevalent\u00a0anxiety issues. It\u2019s a recipe for lying on the floor, unmoving, wondering why I ever decided to come to grad school. It\u2019s a recipe for wondering why I ever thought I could become an amazing scientist. And it\u2019s a recipe for anxious stomach-churning at the sight of any work-related emails. I feel crippled by the pressure to be successful, to publish, to win that fellowship and to understand topics that people have spent years of their life researching and it really just sucks.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It sucks.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I can keep\u00a0reminding myself that I\u2019m just starting out. That I was admitted into my program for a reason. That people who\u00a0compliment my abilities\u00a0aren\u2019t just saying it out of politeness. They see something in me. But it\u00a0doesn\u2019t always help. And sometimes the tides roll out and I get lost in my own head and despite being someone who might be deemed successful, I feel completely and utterly under-qualified.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But, you know what, that\u2019s okay. It\u2019s a work in progress and though I\u2019m having a rough time right now, it\u2019ll get better. It usually does. Besides, if I\u2019ve learned anything at all, it is that whoever said \u201cfake it till you make it\u201d was definitely onto something. After all, getting to a point where you feel proud of yourself and confident in your own abilities is something that must be\u00a0constantly worked on. And\u00a0if nothing else, I can proudly say that I\u2019m trying to become the best version of myself.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And really, what else can you ask of yourself?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Krystal Vasquez (<\/i>@caffeinatedkrys)\u00a0<\/b><\/i><\/a> is a PhD candidate at the California Institute of Technology in the Division of Chemistry and Chemical Engineering. This story was published on September 18, 2016, on Krystal\u2019s blog, <\/i>Caffeinated Confidence<\/i><\/a> (available <\/i>here<\/i><\/a>), and has been republished here with her permission. <\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I feel stuck and I don\u2019t know why. Everything is telling me that I should be having the time of my life. I\u2019m going to my dream grad school. I\u2019m working in a discipline that I love.\u00a0I\u2019ve successfully survived my first year. And terms such as \u201cintelligent,\u201d \u201csmart,\u201d and \u201csuccessful\u201d have been used to describe […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":955,"featured_media":33313,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2414],"tags":[2672,2454],"new_categories":[],"new_tags":[],"series":[],"class_list":["post-2675","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiring-researcher-stories","tag-impostor-syndrome","tag-researcher-stories"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe ruse is up: Dealing with impostor syndrome<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I feel stuck and I don\u2019t know why. I\u2019m going to my dream grad school. I\u2019m working in a discipline that I love. And I\u2019ve successfully survived my first year. 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