{"id":2709,"date":"2019-05-22T09:47:51","date_gmt":"2019-05-22T09:47:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/the-first-meeting-with-my-grad-student-support-group\/"},"modified":"2025-04-05T12:56:11","modified_gmt":"2025-04-05T12:56:11","slug":"the-first-meeting-with-my-grad-student-support-group","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/the-first-meeting-with-my-grad-student-support-group","title":{"rendered":"The first meeting with my grad student support group"},"content":{"rendered":"

I went to the first meeting of my graduate student support group yesterday. It\u2019s a themed support group by the University Health Services that is moderated by a psychologist and offers a place for graduate students to discuss their experiences in a safe place. In order to get in, I had to do a phone consultation to first assess my needs, and then I had to do an in-person consultation with the group leader so that he could see if I fit the group dynamic. It was a bit more than I was expecting, but I was curious to try it out!\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Yesterday was the first meeting with everyone. There are 5 of us in total, but there is room for more people to join if they choose to over the semester. It was a lot more informal than I was expecting! It\u2019s more of a place for us all to talk to each other and offer support, rather than a\u00a0\u201cclass\u201d setting where the moderator lectures us or\u00a0gives us advice. He stepped in when we had a lag or if he had something to say, but overall it just felt pretty natural and cathartic to let things out to strangers.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I was so nervous going into it! I wasn\u2019t sure what other people were there for, and also if they would judge my lab environment or my struggles. But we all ended up being in pretty similar spots, and having similar desires for what we wanted to gain from the sessions (a place to vent, help with anxiety, and dealing with not-so-good environments). It was so nice to hear them talk about their experiences and to realize that I\u2019m not alone in how I\u2019ve been feeling. It was interesting to try and describe my situation in the lab, or at least a little bit of it, because I feel like it\u2019s hard to get a sense of what people are like in my lab without meeting them. Describing them makes them sound like total jerks sometimes, but what makes situations so complicated is that people are multi-faceted\u00a0and not just\u00a0\u201cone way\u201d all the time, so the problems and solutions often aren\u2019t so black and white.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I talked a bit about a co-worker of mine (K<\/b>) who is very blunt and cerebral and doesn\u2019t understand when I am sensitive about certain things, or when I\u2019m self-conscious. He\u2019s so hard on me sometimes that it feels humiliating, and part of me thinks that perhaps he feels like he\u2019s being motivating by making me feel inadequate. We talked about that quite a bit actually.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

One of the people in my group said a very interesting thing that I wanted to share.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

He said that basically there are two types of faculty members:\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

– Those that went through something in graduate school\/postdoc and say: \u201cI went through it and came out okay, so I\u2019m going to make you go through it too.\u201d\u00a0<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

– Those that went through something and say:\u00a0\u201cI went through it, and I will never make someone else go through that.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I think that really rang true for me. Some people were motivated by fear and someone telling them they weren\u2019t doing a good enough job, and so that\u2019s the way they now mentor all their students. They try to light a fire under their a**es in the hopes that the student will work harder to \u201cplease\u201d them.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Other people realize that some students are not fear-motivated and are actually much harder on themselves already, so they don\u2019t\u00a0need<\/i>\u00a0you to light the fire. They need you to motivate them with passion and excitement so that they don\u2019t get too down on themselves.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

A good mentor will adjust their mentoring style to work with the individual student. But a lot of mentors don\u2019t have this kind of insight and just place the burden on the student to adapt and deal with it.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I think\u00a0K\u00a0<\/b>is definitely a fear motivator, in the sense that if you don\u2019t know something and you ask him a question, he will kind of make you feel stupid for not knowing it. And in his mind, I think he\u2019s trying to push me to be more independent and study harder, but he doesn\u2019t see that I already feel stupid and he\u2019s just confirming that insecurity within me.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Anyway, I thought that was super interesting, and it made me feel better about my relationship with\u00a0K.\u00a0<\/b>I was feeling bad that I was not adapting to his\u00a0style, but now I know that I just have to be true to myself and do the best I can.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

For all of you sensitive folks out there,<\/b>\u00a0I hear you and I understand your struggle. Just know that you\u2019re not alone, and try to just remember what that student told me about why certain people mentor that way. It doesn\u2019t mean they don\u2019t like you, but it also doesn\u2019t mean that you need to sit there and take whatever they throw at you. You can speak up and advocate for your needs. You may be more sensitive than others, but that doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s all on you to change. You might have room to compromise, and at the very least you can understand where that mentor is coming from when they do certain things.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Queen of the Bench is a PhD candidate in Cell and Molecular Biology. This story was published on February 15, 2019, on the blog <\/i>Queen of the Bench<\/i><\/a> (available <\/i>here<\/i><\/a>) and has been republished here with permission<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I went to the first meeting of my graduate student support group yesterday. It\u2019s a themed support group by the University Health Services that is moderated by a psychologist and offers a place for graduate students to discuss their experiences in a safe place. 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