{"id":2798,"date":"2019-05-31T07:45:13","date_gmt":"2019-05-31T07:45:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/the-phd-legacy-should-i-have-pursued-it-at-all\/"},"modified":"2025-04-05T13:07:19","modified_gmt":"2025-04-05T13:07:19","slug":"the-phd-legacy-should-i-have-pursued-it-at-all","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/the-phd-legacy-should-i-have-pursued-it-at-all","title":{"rendered":"The PhD legacy: Should I have pursued it at all?"},"content":{"rendered":"

If I could distil 4.5 years of a PhD into a 4.5 minute song, it would be a tune I half-heard one morning at the gym. I hadn\u2019t heard it before, and I was sufficiently intrigued by caught lyrics to hunt it down. When I heard the whole song \u2013 direct from my laptop to ears \u2013 there was a deep resonance.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSome nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck,<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Some nights I call it a draw.<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle,<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Some nights I wish they\u2019d just fall off.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

There were many nights during my PhD I\u2019d stumble home late. My last reserves of energy had sputtered towards cleaning my glassware for tomorrow. I would either feel the glow of satisfaction from a completed task and encouraging result, or a dull pulse of despair knowing I\u2019d stayed late for the sake of reactions that had failed.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Nights were never my biggest PhD problem. I slept well, never built up a sleep deficit. In the first two years I lived on campus, a safe 5-minute walk from work. Cook dinner, nip back to lab, knowing I\u2019d spend the evening with company.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSome nights I wish that this all would end, \u2018cause I could use some friends for a change.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I knew what I was getting in to with an American Synthetic Organic Chemistry PhD. I was warned about The Hours. I was warned about The Hours in this particular lab. I was quick to give up my evenings and Saturdays. After a while I gave up my Sundays too. If you only have one free day per week then you can\u2019t go anywhere or do anything. You\u2019ve killed your extracurriculars, you\u2019ve choked off your social circles. You may as well go back to lab.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Philadelphia was only 90 minutes down the road. That city and its people was the reason I came back to the Eastern Seaboard. I wanted the magic of 2009-10 back. Couldn\u2019t have it. If I\u2019d done my PhD in the UK and scheduled US summer trips I\u2019d probably have spent more time in Philly than I did living in New Jersey.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut I still wake up\u2026\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The only thing in my life for 4 years was that PhD. And I\u00a0wanted\u00a0it to consume me. It was easy to find purpose: I understood the justification for our research, I saw we were going after hard challenges. I joined in, beating other research groups to the punch with my keynote project. Our group won several races to the press and improved upon concepts more elite labs had already disclosed. We were scrappy and smart. The group coped with stress by evolving in-jokes and delicious dark humour. When talking amongst ourselves about our boss we\u2019d always title him \u201cyour boss.\u201d Lines of dialogue from our PI or former group members would be quoted for years as punchlines or linguistic shorthand. We built our own language of references, riffs, Mandarin or Hindi interjections, and comprehensive verbal takedowns.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Getting my research moulded into a publication was a thrill. Three first-author papers (2 submitted during my PhD) is not a large number\u2026 but they all felt delicious. I savoured condensing years of work into a concise table; when I looked at the NMRs of my products I pored over the clean beauty of their flat baselines. When I think back to the conferences I attended off the backs of publications, the memories have a dreamlike filter, like the lighting of\u00a0Midnight In Paris<\/a>. Late nights laughing in bars, the adrenalin of personal connections running through my veins as I grinned myself to sleep. The PhD hits & highs were addictive.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve already spoken about the\u00a0lows<\/a>. I went down far enough into Hell that I emerged blinking out the bottom. Worse things happened to others. Some were in my department. Some in my lab. I wasn\u2019t always happy, but I wasn\u2019t always miserable. The lows of mid-grad school faded from my present state \u2013 my emotions ended up more positive than negative.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo this is it \u2013 I sold my soul for this?\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

When I transitioned into my end game, the come-down was brutal. The rest of my lab had moved to another university over the summer. I was left in an empty lab, an empty office. I\u2019d proved the points I needed proving. Whatever force of nature that had carried me for 4 years faded away. No need for late nights or weekend work. No rush to generate large quantities of data. No pressures. I could breathe and look at my life.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Was the PhD worth it?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019d systematically destroyed what had given my pre-PhD decades their meaning. Diverse, separate friendship circles. Challenging extracurricular activities. Culture. I\u2019d cut back on blogging during my PhD not because I didn\u2019t have time to write, but because I\u2019d lost my voice. The words wouldn\u2019t come. My voice has always been strongest on paper, and I\u2019d silenced myself. Over the years I\u2019d met people whose PhDs had hollowed them out, who seemed broken. Was that now my existence? Would this particular PhD even get me the lifestyle I craved? Had it been worth it?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I hear a song, it sounds like this one\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Perhaps I shouldn\u2019t have doubted my ability to bounce back and revert my life to its pre-PhD patterns and values. But if I won my PhD, crossed 9 state lines, then immediately attempted to scrub the experience from my mind\u2026 was it something I should have pursued at all? Can my PhD benefit me when I half-pretend it didn\u2019t happen?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know. New experiences reframe old ones. Wounds heal. Scars look cool. I don\u2019t need to package myself, my identity or my emotions into neat labelled boxes. Stuff just\u00a0is. Perspectives are built to move.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSome nights I always win.\u201d<\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Dr. Claire Jarvis (<\/i>@StAndrewsLynx<\/i><\/a>) is a <\/i>Science and Medical Writer at Covance. This story was published on August 4, 2018, on Dr. Jarvis\u2019 blog, <\/i>St Andrews Lynx\u2019s Blog<\/i><\/a> (available <\/i>here<\/i><\/a>), and has been republished her with her permission.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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