{"id":4188,"date":"2023-05-16T08:14:48","date_gmt":"2023-05-16T08:14:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/memories-of-being-a-transgender-person-in-grad-school\/"},"modified":"2025-01-15T06:21:06","modified_gmt":"2025-01-15T06:21:06","slug":"memories-of-being-a-transgender-person-in-grad-school","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.editage.com\/insights\/memories-of-being-a-transgender-person-in-grad-school","title":{"rendered":"Memories of being a transgender person in grad school"},"content":{"rendered":"

*Editor\u2019s note:<\/i><\/b> This article has been published anonymously at the request of the author. It was originally written in Korean and has been translated into English<\/i>.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t identify as transgender and non-binary until after I entered graduate school. I was scraping by on assistantships and scholarships to make my medical transition, so I was pretty poor for about half of my time in grad school. I spent a few years living on the cheapest plan possible with an old cell phone that was long overdue for a replacement, cutting back on food, eliminating hobbies, and living extremely frugally. During that phase, I pretty much just lived in school and studied all the time. I remember doing pretty well during this time and being considered a standout. I was ahead of my peers, won awards, received recognition, and was sent abroad as a visiting researcher.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I went through the whole transition process without coming out because I didn\u2019t know what would happen if I did. Even when I underwent the surgery and needed a long time to rehabilitate, I lied about which surgery I was undergoing. I lied to my parents, whom I hadn\u2019t come out to either, and said I was going abroad for some research for school. I can still vividly remember the pain I experienced as I was grading finals remotely after my surgery, when I was told to not sit down.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Holding a secret is not a good way to fit in with people, and because I\u2019m non-binary, trans, and also not in a relationship and not having sex, I didn\u2019t have a place in typical conversations with straight friends, including those about celebrity gossip, the specific sports they played (like soccer), showbiz, the type of YouTube content they watched, and other topics of interest to non-queer men. I couldn\u2019t even lead with a different topic every time I sat down to a meal with friends, because I could only think of a handful of topics to talk about, and I could only talk so much about them in a week. The conversations that came up were like this:<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

For example, if the topic was hair loss, the conversation started with hair-loss shampoo, then moved on to health foods, then medications, and finally ended with \u201cIf you take female hormones, your hair will grow back, but then you\u2019ll be a woman!\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

In fact, because of how commonly this topic was discussed, there was an atmosphere of exclusion of non-male students at meals, coffee times, and other social occasions. As a non-binary person, I would naturally feel left out.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

There was the option of eating alone\u2014and there\u2019s nothing wrong with this\u2014but it\u2019s just that this socialization extended into the night, when they had drinks, and important decisions were made over drinks. Deciding on research topics, finding people to collaborate with, talking about attending conferences\u2014such practical decisions were made in my absence. Of course, not all of them were made this way, but the gap between the male majority and the rest of the non-male group started to widen. There weren\u2019t enough numbers or a formed network of non-male individuals that they could help resolve something by coming together. And the only people who were considering dropping out of grad school, or actually dropping out, were the ones who were pushed to the outside of the process.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Against this backdrop, my mornings began with a desperate effort to resist lethargy. I swallowed my psychiatric medication and barely got out of bed to go to work. Sometimes, I\u2019d take a hormone injection in the lab, but no one cared\u2014their interest in me had long since faded. I didn\u2019t greet anyone when I arrived at work. I didn\u2019t answer the phone coherently due to panic, and on top of that, I didn\u2019t have good cell service at home, so some people had chosen to publicly criticize me in group chats rather than reach out to me individually.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

In the midst of this prolonged neglect and isolation, my professor seemed unwilling to teach me; he would tell me to \u201cget along with the students\u201d and that \u201cnetworking is important,\u201d but there was no real feedback. And in a lab atmosphere where students learn from their seniors, not the professor, I ended up learning nothing and choosing to teach myself. I was afraid to approach other researchers, afraid to say the slightest thing, afraid to ask questions, because I had memories of being publicly criticized in group chats, or of being ignored outright. For example, someone would make an announcement at a meal when I wasn\u2019t around, and I would be the only one who didn\u2019t get the message; sometimes I showed up to school alone on <\/span><\/span>informally planned holidays for the entire team.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

As I\u2019ve said before, I\u2019m not out of the closet. Issues with pronouns don\u2019t arise in Korea, thankfully. I use my legal gender when filling out various documents, and when I go to the bathroom, out of habit, I just go to the men\u2019s bathroom because my assigned gender is male and everyone believes that this is my gender identity. This has always been the case, even when I\u2019m traveling for business, which is why, after my surgery, I\u2019ve seen strangers, outsiders, or people meeting me for the first time at conferences surprised to see me in the restroom. But if a colleague who knows me happens to be around, they address any surprise and unease a stranger may feel by explaining that they know me and that I am in the right restroom.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The dysphoria I feel in the bathroom\u2014or in referring to myself as belonging to a particular gender\u2014is nothing new to me because I\u2019ve long since gotten used to it. As a transgender person, I\u2019ve experienced a great deal of distress in the form of this dysphoria. The gender dysphoria was not as considerable though as compared to other experiences of isolation, where I felt simply pushed out because I had a secret or because I was different, and all this triggered even deeper isolation.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

No one tried to exclude me openly, and if they did, it was done without realizing they were doing this. My experiences of intentional exclusion were few\u2014I can count them on the fingers of one hand. And I don\u2019t think anyone had any great malice in mind, but once I started being pushed outward, I was pushed outward continuously and crushed. I don\u2019t think this situation is unique to me because I identify as a member of the LGBTQ community. But for anyone who has ever had any reason to feel like they do not fit in with a group, and for anyone who doesn\u2019t have a support system to hold them up outside of the lab, it\u2019s a structure that is bound to crumble quickly for them. And I could see everyone who could be held accountable standing by and watching.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Was it just that academia wanted someone who was \u201cnormal\u201d and therefore comfortable interacting with \u201cnormal\u201d people and having \u201cnormal\u201d topics of conversation? I eventually grew tired of this isolation and dropped out of the course and pursued other avenues. But every time I find myself craving academia, research, and the joy of discovery and problem-solving, I can\u2019t help but feel briefly miserable. I can\u2019t help but wonder what I should have done differently. What needs to change for an outlier like me to have a place in it? Is it me or is it everyone else?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

*Editor\u2019s note: This article has been published anonymously at the request of the author. It was originally written in Korean and has been translated into English. \u00a0 I didn\u2019t identify as transgender and non-binary until after I entered graduate school. I was scraping by on assistantships and scholarships to make my medical transition, so I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":33313,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2436],"tags":[2770,2678],"new_categories":[],"new_tags":[],"series":[],"class_list":["post-4188","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-researcher-wellness","tag-diversity-equity-and-inclusion","tag-mental-health-in-academia"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nMemories of being a transgender person in grad school | Editage Insights<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This is a first-person account of a transgender grad student\u2019s feelings of isolation, which eventually led them to move out of academia.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, 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