Separating myself from my science

When I made this website, my intention was to create a profile website to highlight all of the super wonderful opportunities I’ve had over the past 5 years during my Ph.D. program. I managed to get a few blog posts up describing some of the fun stuff I’ve done that is adjacent to my core research, but more and more, I’m realizing that I can also be a person that is separated from my identity as a scientist. Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE science; science is my life and it’s one of the labels I’m proud to wear. However, I’m learning that I can wear many labels.

In academic science fields, it’s so easy to fall into a pattern of over-achievement and over-work. There’s a never-ending list of things I could be doing at any given time, and it’s hard for me to not feel guilty if I’m not working on that to-do list. I also get very excited about new opportunities to go out into the field, help an undergrad with a project, or contribute my expertise for a colleague. Over commitment can be personally damaging even when it’s out of love. I’m learning to say “no” more often, and set better boundaries when I say “yes!”

Burnout is real. Burnout makes me physically sick and mentally exhausted. Burnout is something I need to avoid if I want to be at the peak of my scientific performance and productivity. It seems counter-intuitive, but I’m learning that by setting stricter limits on when I work and what I choose to work on, I end up being more productive overall. There is a limit I hit in how many hours each week I dedicate to science and I’m useless beyond that point. I’m unlearning the mentality of 24/7 work schedule, and it’s making me a happier, more fulfilled person AND a better, more productive scientist.

All of this is relatively easy for me to say now, but I’m only reaching this point 5 years into grad school. As someone who has dealt with depression and anxieties for as long as I can remember, I have to dedicate time each day to practice a healthy mental attitude. I have to make a concerted effort to release myself of feelings of guilt for not spending that extra late night hour writing because I know I need to spend that hour with my partner instead. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s ok and healthy to put the computer away at a certain time each night. It’s ok to visit family and friends and have non-scientific interests that I can pursue. I keep telling myself “it’s ok to take care of yourself” until I start to actually believe it.

After some really heavy burnout at the end of 2017, I decided that if I’m going to finish my Ph.D. in 2018, I need to pace myself. So I made a list of personal and professional goals – two SEPARATE lists. And I began working on both of them. I cut out any extra commitments that weren’t helping me achieve my goals. This was hard because I love volunteering and helping out any time I can. But then I remembered the feeling of exhaustion I face when I try to do too much and my decision to say “no” became a bit easier. I still need to remind myself that I still do a ton of work, so sometimes I’ll make “accomplishments” lists instead of to-do lists. This helps me re-center myself and realize that even though I have so much that I still want to achieve, I’ve already come a long way and I should be proud.

Personally, I’ve been more invested in self-care. It started small – buying relaxing face masks and pampering my skin more. Then I started making time to get back into regular physical activity. I signed up for improv classes and regularly go see live theatre performances. I set aside 3 hours each week for a regular online Dungeons and Dragons campaign with some friends I made through Twitter. I go to bed when I’m tired. I started exploring new flavors of loose leaf tea.  I do these things because I’m allowed to be a human outside of my work and I have worth beyond my output.

Self care is a continuous journey and a constant practice. It’s something I have to make time for each day, but it’s getting easier. I am still wracked with anxieties about graduating, finding a post-doc position, performing on stage for the first time, and all the other responsibilities I have, but my anxieties are becoming more manageable now that I’ve given myself permission to take care of my own physical, mental, and emotional health.

Dr. Anna Boegehold (@anna_boeg) is a Postdoctoral Fellow at the Institute of Environmental Health Sciences. This story was published on March 16, 2018, on Dr. Boegehold's blog (available here), and has been republished here with her permission.