When grad life feels like a ceaseless treadmill

I’m writing today from a place of exhaustion, of defeat, of anxiety, and of stress over what’s to come.

This semester has been rough. I’ve had some mental health issues acting up since I moved that I’m still trying to return to baseline, some physical health issues that arose, and the school work just does not stop.

I’m still passing all of my classes (praise God for the strength and ability to do so–that’s all Him folks, because I alone am running on complete emptiness) and I’m not behind on any of my projects.

This semester has, thankfully, been one where the workload is stacked at the end, so I’ve been able to have a period of just showing up and that is enough for now.

But today is the end of spring break. We lost an hour, I have to go back to school tomorrow, and now all of the stuff is going to be due soon.

Truth be told I haven’t had a real break in a long while. Between ending my last program and going home and hosting visitors, I’ve been swamped even on my little time without school. I’m ready for summer break, but that won’t happen until June.

I am at a place right now where I’m finally feeling the weight of what I’ve been doing. I’m finally feeling the “maybe I should just quit and maybe I can’t do this after all” thoughts creep into my mind. It’s the self-doubt that I was warned about by past mentors, and the self-doubt I was able to mostly avoid in my last program as I was not so burnt out yet. But it’s here now, and I’m trying to find a way to cope.

I truly believe that I am capable of this. I have a lot of support and knowledge and am making progress. I’m not perfect, but I’m not expected to be. The hoops that school is making me jump through feel endless, but I know in reality they’re not. I feel like I’m stuck on a treadmill and going nowhere, but I am moving forward. It’s slow, and gruelling, and painful, and hard. And if I’m being honest, it’s one of the few true, genuinely difficult, pivotal challenges that I have faced in my life.

The question remains: Who do I want to be on this journey? Who do I want to become? I have faith that God will carry me forward in this journey and give me the strength to do so. How I approach the path set before me is entirely my choice.

He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it. –1 Thessalonians 5:24

I was at a place right now in my life, from where I cannot offer much encouragement or wisdom or help. I am struggling. But God is good, and I have hope for the future and trust that He will bring to completion the journey He has called my life to.

I ask that you all pray for me during this time of struggle; know that I will be praying for all the other graduate students out there no matter the place they are at themselves.

Elizabeth Mulherron (@gradu8student) is a second year doctoral student pursing her Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology. This story was published on March 10, 2019, on Elizabeth’s blog, The Young Grad Student (available here) and has been republished here with her permission.